Sunday, 18 March 2012

Week 2: "Water" - Andrew

Yet to discover your depths they see,
but life without mystery,
and for where they see you help life grow,
in abundance they end and all will know.

Tumultuous sounds are made in fear,
and where the void of all other existence is clear,
the drip drop dropping sounds echo near.
Moments before you tell them their sin,
you wait for them to gasp you in,
and at the moment they choke on your omnipresence,

You tell them:

“I am Life. I am Death. But mostly, I am your sentence.”

          They regard you as the cleanser of dirt and sin. They taint your streams and the oasis havens you gift them. You grant them rivers and reverence yet they corrupt and pollute. Do they not see your puissance? Do they not see how generous you are?
           Deluded into thinking you are the harmless dripping from the metal mechanisms they manipulate you from, or the soothing falls underneath the enveloping brush that natural life shield them with; they are mistaken. 
           For you are the preponderance of all things, you are the guardian of the depths and the seer of the void.

You are water, and they are man.


  1. I like this, too; quite different from Ben's slant on water. (Kind of a verbal "slap up aside the head." ¿Quien sabía qué macho eres?)
    It's interesting that you both began with poetry, and the prose has a poetic quality about it. Curious how poetic prose is nice, but prosaic poetry isn't. I wonder what the effect of ending with poetry would be. Poetry just seems more power-packed, in general, than prose; there's more work for readers to do--contemplating, and filling in as many blanks as they see fit.
    I can't help but compare the styles to Sandburg; a remarkable and multifaceted poet. (Both are excerpts from "Chicago Poems.")

    Andrew: "Chicago"

    Hog Butcher for the World,
    Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat,...

    Ben: "Lost"

    Desolate and lone
    All night long on the lake
    Where fog trails and mist creeps,...

    Keep up the good work fellows.
    Maybe a digression, and maybe not, Andrew--I don't know why, but reading "Water" several times somehow makes me think of it as a metaphor for women: the more nurturing, but also the more ruthless of the species. You knooowww?

    1. Amazing response! Thank you so much for all of the praise. I enjoy your comparisons to other writers.
      Although I feel like this is one of my worst pieces I've ever written as the obstructions really put me out of my comfort zone. Regardless, I love your assessment of water representing women. I didn't intend it, but it's definitely plausible.

      Thanks again,

  2. But Andrew, isn't the point of the obstructions to move you away from your comfort zone? Who set the obstructions? That would be: Andrew. Given the restrictions, I think you both did fine.
    As I told Ben in commenting on this task, I thought the obstructions for the first task were too obstructive. But on second thought, maybe the theme moved you both well out of your comfort zone. Who set the theme? Hm, we seem to have a trend here. But seriously, on third thought, maybe the length of 500-1000 words was the problem. The writing was all right, but I only got a snippet of the character of these women.

    And thank you and Ben for doing this; it's very interesting,

    P.S. Sorry about the Spanish, but I was distracted. I could hear saws, and hammers, and a lawn mower (I think). And my neighbor was having a conversation during which she was speaking English, and the guy she was talking with was speaking Spanish. You here that a lot around here, or even mixing them in the same sentence like: cierre la window. But I love it.

    P.S.S. Pure imagination on my part, but was the sweater red? Honestly, I went back and read it again. Twice. Do I just draw unwarranted conclusions from your writing?

    1. (P.P.P.S My character this week was most certainly male. Ha)

    2. You may interpret my work in any way you want. By not explicitly describing EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of a scenario, it allows the reader to mould it into whatever they want, and it's easier for the reader to create a world inside their own mind (which could be better, as a piece is more interactive that way).

      I always look forward to your comments, thanks again.

      P.P.P.P.P.S Tim, I'm very much aware of the obstructions, lengths, and themes. I s'pose the length of the pieces are the biggest obstruction (funnily enough) and I don't want the pieces to drag on/seem like a chore to write as I'm already basically in exam period.

      xoxo Andrew

  3. This is really good. Seriously, well done. I'm studying a lot of Pastoral Literature at the minute and this poem definitely seems to fit in with the poetry anthology we've been studying; it's kinda reminiscent of U A Fanthorpe's 'Canal: 1977' but a bit more rhythmic. My only suggestion would be to try out an ABAB rhyme schems, or a similar structure, just because the AABB rhythm comes across as a little bold, and usually only works with poems that have a witty, flirty tone. Again, a tiny criticism, but the only one i could think of. If you don't mind me asking, which University are you planning on going to? I've just firmed King's College London, and i'm uber excited to go there, but i doubt i'll get the grades, and i know very little about the course. Any chance you know anything more about it or how to manage a budget in London? Hope exams aren't going too bad, keep up on the poetry front :)